Throwdown at Work

I have joined a diet challenge at work. I think the prize is a mani(pedi)cure. The person to lose the most percentage of weight, wins. Now I know this test is over and underinclusive, but I need to lose weight anyway - I have some advantages going into this contest, namely I am competing against three very skinny co-workers; hence, I can lose a lot more.  So when I am done with the postings about 30 bars, this is going to be a posting about my diet and what I consume.  Be warned.  I may sound very angry.

I joined Calorie Count, and since I weigh 165, I needed to think of a reasonable weight within two months that will seal my victory.  I decided that 150 lbs is most ideal: 1. I will be crazy sexy, 2. It will be a 10% loss.  In order to hit 150, I most consume 1,524 calories a day (assuming no exercise).  But since I workout this will cause a distortion in my optimal caloric intake.

If you have any suggestions, please let me know.

A Russian, a Korean, and a China Man Goes into a Restaurant.

San Soo Gab San
5251 N Western Ave
Chicago, IL 60625
(773) 334-1589

Dear Reader, I am sure that through my writings you are able to deduce that I approach disappointment with a certain amount of equanimity; I am perceived as the living embodiment of grace. But sometimes, I know, you need not file a dissent, I can have a temper. Depending on the situation, time, and person, what would be perceived as a mild injury can often be turned into an act of war. I am first to stipulate that this is my major character flaw, I internalize too much, every mistake is perceived as an affront to me. But running parallel to this is my recovery time. I may not forget, but I usually forgive quite easily. San Soo Gab Son injured me, and quickly it made reparations.

While milling about a bookstore, I received a most fortuitous message from Vladimir (aka Dr. Liarski) inquiring to my evening plans. Originally I was going to go home and eat a jar of peanut butter while read the Omnivore’s Dilemma. Scratch those plans I thought, Vladimir wants to hang out! But like a summer romance, happiness is often fleeting, Vladimir suggested we do Korean bbq. Back to peanut butter. I am not a fan of Korean bbq, mainly because it makes my clothes smell like meat. Every time I take a whiff of the cashmere in my closet, I go into a carnivorous frenzy.

“Are you paying for my dry cleaning?” I asked.

“No. Sam wants to go.”

“What? He just got back from Los Angeles. There is plenty of Korean food and bbqs over there? What, he didn’t get his fill of drive by shootings?”

“Nice. Attorney, he wants Korean.”

“Doctor – fine, we will eat where Sam wants. Where?”

“San Soo Gab San.”

“Where is that?”

“I don’t know, use your iPhone.”

“What, this is ludicrous. You not only named the place, but now you want me to research?”

“This is why you are single.”

“Bitch. Ok, what time?”

“How is 8:00?”

I choked, “Wait, it is 5:30 right now. You want me to wait two and a half hours?”

“Well Sam is coming from downtown. He is teaching a class.”

A Filet-O-Fish, and a BigMac later, I arrive at San Soo Gab San at 7:30. I arrived early for two reasons: I had nothing else to do, and it was Friday, so I assumed there would be a wait. Well there was no line, so I told a waitress that I would have a party of three. She told me to wait near the door. This was most mystical to me considering the number of open tables in the restaurant. So I waited, between 7:30 and 8:00 there was a mad rush of parties. At first other parties asked if I was waiting, but I told them to go ahead because I was still waiting. Well by the eighth party I was getting irritated, and I started to notice one thing, middle aged Korean women (and woe to the ones who date the balding white man for a green card – oh yes, this is one of those restaurants) did not even give me the courtesy of asking why I was loitering near the door. They just clutched their Louis Vuitton and made a beeline for the waitress.

My temper started to rise, I was getting pissed. I immediately called Dr. Liarski and Sam, but neither one of them picked up. I was incensed. TWELVE, a dozen parties have already been sat and I have not. And what was most galling was that I got the perception that tables with White Men were getting better service; the waitresses seemed to have no problem in sitting anyone who came from an imperialist heritage even though their party did not fully arrive. I was eying them jealously. They didn't even order and they were already feating on a bunch of small dishes. I was being discriminated against because I hailed from the same continent as they did! Dr. Liarski and Sam arrived 15-20 mins late, and they saw the look in my face.

Dr. Liarski approached me with one foot near the door “Ummm… hi.”

“Sam go talk to them, they are your people. Koreans hate the Chinese. I have been waiting here for almost an hour. A fucking hour! I should bill them.”

“You don’t have billable hours.”

“Fuck you Sam, go talk to them.”

“I am afraid of them.”

“What? My god, you are a fag.”

At that point I resembled an eggplant, but luckily within another five minutes - they sat us near the bathroom.

Without missing a beat Dr. Liarski suggested we order a Soju. I just looked down at the menu and continued brooding. Beef Short Rib. Marinated Beef Short Rib. Broiled Specially Marinated Beef. Marinated Beef. Broiled Beef. How many meet dishes could they make from same cut of meat? The menu would have been a statistician’s wet dream.

Since Sam is Korean, we made the tactical decision of making Sam order. Big mistake. Sam is a fucking genius. He is an English professor and is going to release his first book this August. And no, this is not some self-published pamphlet on Amazon, this involves a real publisher, Borders and Barnes and Nobles. I feel like a literary troglodyte when I sit next to Sam. But even with Newtonian like ingenuity and Herculean effort, Sam had trouble ordering. Apparently Sam was born in Latin America and his accent is not Korean enough for the waitress. Seeing that Sam is a sellout, the service got even worse!!!

“How is this possible? I waited an hour for this table and all I want is water. Why couldn’t you be conceived in a proper continent? Dr. Liarski, you are White, tell them I need water.”

Dr. Liarski raises his hand.

“Don’t do that. That is rude.”

“These people made you wait.”

“Flag away.”

Well Dear Reader, guess what, it still took minutes to get my water. It was like Sam’s accent was a taint on our table. We were forever marked with his Latin stain. The Soju came, but I couldn’t get any water. Sam told me to drink the alcohol. In fear of criminal and civil litigation I waved it away. I just wanted water.

As I sulked and the others talked about the others talked about life, the universe, science, religion, politics, shopping and men, all I wanted was decent service.

Blap!

I snapped my head to the table, the waitress brought over some banchan. For the uninitiated, banchan are the cold dishes served in Korean restaurants that accompany your meal. They come in various forms and textures. Most are actually quite disgusting, like marinated mung beans, and weird pickled seaweed, but some banchan are quite resplendent. There were eight dishes, what the hell! Why did the other tables get so much more banchan than we did. People who have not ordered, got more banchan than we did. Sam was in a dark mood, he was getting pissed too. Being the Russian Buddha of the table, Dr. Liarski just ate away, but a cancer was eating at the Asians. You can discriminate against us, but do not give us less food. It was time for me to act. I raised my hand.

Sam scanned the room and he immediately tried to intercept me, “No she is the worst one. Last time I was here, she was so mean to me.”

“Wait, she was mean to you, and you still want to come here?”

“I wanted Korean.”

“You only date white guys, don’t you take them out to Asian food all the time.”

I didn’t care if the woman was a shebeast, she was going to answer to me.  She spoke in almost perfect English, “Ok, ok. You dinner is coming out soon.”

Vladimir was watching this Kabuki theater with amusement. Sam tried to hide under the table.

“Oh that is ok. Don’t worry. I was just wondering if I could have more tofu.”

“Of course, but it will cost you $15.”

I started to flirt, “Oh don’t worry, please put it on his tab (pointing to Dr. Liarksi), the tofu is so good.”  I batted my eyelashes.

“I will be right back.”

Dr. Liarski dug Sam out of a mountain of coats.

“Well, she wasn’t that bad.”

Dr. Liarski responded, “I think she likes you.”

“Well naturally, history of my life.”

Another five minutes later, no kidding,  more than 20 plates hit our table – 2 of which were tofu.

Sam was flummoxed, “I don’t get it, you are Chinese, she should hate you the most.”

“It is my sunny disposition.” But that is the thing Dear Reader, my mood suddenly shifted. It was like a chorus had walked in and tried to sing above the noise of sizzling meat:

Mr. Blue Sky, please tell us why,
You had to hide away
For so long where did we go wrong.

Hey there Mr. Blue
We're so pleased to be with you
Look around see what you do,
Everybody smiles at you.

“Wait, why is there a sexy woman on the Soju bottle?”

Vladimir stared at me is disbelief “You just noticed that?”

“Sorry, I was in a bad mood. Hey, where is Dustin?”

“I told you he was sick. My God, don’t you listen?”

“I would have been listening if you were here on time.”

“This is why you are single.”

Cupcakes and My Budget

Phoebe’s Cupcakes

3327 North Broadway
Chicago, IL 60657
(773) 868-4000

I would like to thank Clinton Bissett and Jennifer Cameron in the editing of this particular entry. 

Dear Reader, you probably have noticed that I have been most languid in my blog postings as of late.  Initially I wanted to finish all of my “30 Blogs” prior to my 30th birthday; alas, I did not have the time, and I also have other writing/reading engagements on the side.  But I would like to reveal that I am about to finish my last 5 blogs shortly.  On a separate note, I have been trying to think of other subjects to tackle after my final 30^th blog.  Some ideas include: grilled cheese sandwiches, cheeseburgers, restaurants noted on the Food Network and Travel Channel, movie reviews and/or commentaries about books.

I have actually gone to Phoebe’s Cupcakes twice for this blog.  The first time I went, I thought it was called Phoebe’s Cupcakes [Cupcake Bar].  Well it is not called that.  Shit.  So I went a second time and actually sat at “the bar” and consumed my cupcake, and guess what Dear Reader, there have been many sacrifices in history and culture.  Melville was entranced with sacrifice and martyrdom.  Lincoln was “sacrificed” to preserve the union.  Syndey Carton engaged in self-sacrifice for his love.  And we are coming close to Easter, so we should not forget about a minor event regarding two planks of wood and a spear.   But Dear Reader, I too have engaged in sacrifice – I spent $5.60 at Phoebe’s to bring you this blog.  Love does spring eternal. 

Phoebe’s Cupcakes offers several different types of cupcakes.  But for some reason, probably attributed to an early onset of dementia, I ordered the same type of cupcake twice - “Salted Caramel.”  Now when I go back to a restaurant for a second time, I try to order an item I did not previously consume; thus, getting a broader picture of the kitchen.  I failed here.  I ordered the same cupcake twice.   In hindsight, and in defense of my forgetfulness, I tend to order interesting item on the menu, and Phoebe’s as much as it tries to dress up its carbohydrates in couture, provides relatively lackluster fare.  “Red Velvet” – boring!  “Tuxedo” – I can go to Starbucks and get an Americano with it for 10% off.  “Apple Crunch” – if I wanted a muffin, I would get one at Einstein’s.  So “Salted Caramel” it was – Parts One and Two.

(On a side note, Phoebe’s also offers a breakfast cupcake which is soaked in maple syrup and topped with ½ a strip of bacon.  I did not order this because I did not find this to be an adequate play on sweet and savory.  In fact there is no “savory” on the item.  Think about it, a strip of bacon does not make an item savory, it may make it salty and smoky, but that’s it.   A more interesting item would have been actually incorporating the bacon into the cupcake).

Now I want to dispel any insinuation that I loath Phoebe’s.  They make an adequate cupcake.  But that is the point, it is merely adequate.  The most noteworthy item of Phoebe’s is that its cupcakes are moist.  Like two reunited lovers in a Nicholas Sparks novel, the mere press of its flesh elicits so much sugary liquid that it verges on the grotesque.   Moist and sweet, that is all I can say about it, I left unsatisfied.

There was no cigarette afterwards.  But the point of culinary criticism where I must gnash my teeth is the light hand in the salt.  To wit I quote from Phoebe’s website “topped with Himalayan Rose Sea Salt.”  Now I am the first to stipulate, salts do taste differently.  Sea salt does taste differently than table salt, than kosher salt, than Hawaiian black sea salt.  But what is the point of calling it “Salted Caramel” when it is only the caramel you can taste.  In fact, as I look at the pictures, no matter how much I use Adobe and magnify, I can’t find anything red on the cupcake.  THERE IS NO SALT!  And if there is no quantifiable amount of salt, then what is the point of calling it “Salted”?  Now Dear Reader, I am not speaking in hyperbole but in fact, you are clearly a genius for finding me in this vast terrain as we know as blogspot - and you will likely argue “Eric, maybe the problem is that you have an inferior palate.”  I probably do; nay, I stipulate, my tongue is likely not as sharp as yours, - my taste buds are dull and ground to fleshy nubs that can not distinguish between “Mandarin Chicken,” “Orange Chicken,” and “General Tso’s Chicken,” but there was no discernable salt in these cupcakes.  This is not to say that caramel and salt are not interesting plays on food.  Some ice-cream parlors actually do it quite well.  Paciugo, Sapore di Napoli Pizzeria &; Gelateria (which is half a block down the street) does an excellent “Salted and Caramel Gelato.”  It is just that Phoebe’s fails on riding the bandwagon.  It is merely a “Caramel Cupcake.”

Returning to the $5.50 that I spent at Phoebe’s, my blood begins to boil.  Now a cupcake costs $2.50 – yes $2.50 – the price of a Venti Iced Americano – the Holy Grail which gives me life.  $2.50 for a cupcake, or lets face it, a glorified piece of cake molded into the form of something cute that we remember in our childhoods, and then charged a premium.  Is it worth it?  Well from tone and text of this blog you can probably gauge my answer, but let’s look to Microeconomics for the answer.

We all live with “Budget Constraints”.  With my income, I can buy a designated amount.  Since I have very little disposable income, I cannot take a vacation to Rome.  Since I have some disposable income I may be able to buy Final Fantasy.  Since I bought Bank of America stock right after TARP, I may have tons of income and I can buy whatever I like.  We all have a Budget Constraint, and most are modeled with two variables.  Based on my budget I can buy so much of X and so much of Y. 

Now once a month I volunteer for bringing dinner for Bible Study, and last month I actually purchased cupcakes at Jewel.  Now due to Google Analytics I have been able to somewhat customize my blogs to my readers: for those in California think of Ralph’s, for those in Dallas think of Kroger, and for those in Russia think of Pyatyorochka.  Jewel was selling 24 cupcakes for $5.99.  They are not wonderful cupcakes, they are quite dense, and the icing is quite sweet.  I admit Phoebe’s provides a superior product.  But in the most craven terms, one Phoebe Cupcake is equivalent to a dozen Jewel Cupcakes ((Two dozen for $6 vs. $2.75 (with sales tax at Phoebe’s) for each Salted Caramel)).  So assuming my income is $6.00 my Budget Constraint regarding cupcakes would look pretty much like this. 

Is it worth it?

Well we then have to go into the dreaded concept of “Utility.”  Now “Utility” is one of those things in economics that I find to be fascinating, but have very little application in real life because we can’t quantify it.  Utility is defined as the amount of satisfaction one derives from the consumption of a particular item.  That is problematic because I don’t know what it means.  My utility for artichokes is nearly infinite, but my utility for refried beans is next to nil.  In fact I have this obscene and irrational hatred of refried beans.  If they even come close to touching any of my food, I must turn it away.  There was at least one meal where I chose to disenfranchise people I was dining with in order to wean myself of those infernal mashed legumes.  As I sacrificed nearly $6.00 at Phoebe’s I would freely sacrifice relationships to get refried beans off my plate.  But guess what, the world is often appalling.  Some people – including my dearest friend Pauline seems to have an irrational hatred of artichokes rather than refried beans!  She would rather eat frijoles refritos than Gaia’s Holy Thistle.  She derives more utility from a can of Old El Paso then the tender green heart of an artichoke (which is fine for me because I do not want aggregate demand for artichokes to increase).  I wager that most people are not as extreme as either Pauline or myself.  Like moderates who disdain the Tea Partiers, but crosses the street when they see a Transsexual Eskimo, most people probably straddle the middle – “I am ok with refried beans, as I am ok with artichokes.”

Through the use of some calculus you can actually derive a graph of the interrelationship of artichokes and refried beans; or in the case at hand, Jewel Cupcakes and Phoebe’s.  Now Utility is comprised of many things, maybe people like to have a place to sit and chat with friends.  You would think that this would be a component of Utility in Phoebe’s not found in the supermarket’s.  Well guess what, Phoebe is small and cramped.  I guess there is something novel in saying that you purchased an “adult cupcake.”  Maybe the cashier at Jewel is cuter than the one at Phoebe’s.  Let’s hold all these variables aside.  I approach my caloric consumption with a certain clinical detachment.  It is the cupcake I am looking at. 

But alack, before I reveal the graphs regarding the interrelationship between my utility of cupcakes there is something else called indigestion.  Holding price aside, how many Jewel cupcakes must I consume before it equals one of Phoebe’s superior, but unsalty cupcakes?  Well as many as I can before I throw up.  They are not perfect substitutes I may add, 3 Jewel cupcakes may conceivably be equivalent to one at Phoebe's, but the threat of throwing up, infernal bowel movements and diabetes will perniciously require me to consume more Jewel cupcakes to receive the equivalent amount of enjoyment as a second Phoebe’s cupcake.  Hence, the slope in utility curves.

Well with the derivation of my utility I can then transpose it onto my budget constraint, and that will tell me my optimal consumption of Phoebe Cupcake’s to Jewel Cupcakes.  As I told my cousin before, the important point in economics is where lines and curves intersect. 

I guess Phoebe’s wasn’t such a ripoff after all.

Table for One Next Time

L. Woods

7110 N. Lincoln Ave.,

Lincolnwood IL, 60712

(847) 677-3350

Sophie had an easier choice.  Do I stay at home and spend another night spooning my cat, or do I hang out at L.Woods?  As I was preparing dinner “Kristian” sent me a text inviting me to L.Woods.  I was ecstatic, I haven’t seem Kristian in ages – but there was a catch, Maleficar was also going. 

Kristian and Maleficar have a strong platonic gay relationship.  If you find one partner, you find the other.  In the rare situation where you only see one, he will speak of the other as if they were both present in the same room.  It is quite annoying really.  A co-joined identity in which conversations often center on the other person. 

Now this is not really an attack on Kristian and Maleficar.  I hate eating with most couples.  My blood boils when personal identity becomes obliterated and replaced by the dreaded “we”.  I presume there are two things going on with me really: 1. I am a jealous bitch, and 2. Everything I have learned in school has been about the individual; the community is merely a footnote, an extra in my psyche and education.

Think about it, even in MACROeconomics, the curves are known as “Aggregates” i.e. Aggregate Demand.  All the little people out there and their combined demand for something like say Final Fantasy XIII drives the economy.  Sure, you can’t study MACRO without an analysis of the community and the interrelationships between individuals, but ultimately, the curves are driven by one – the personal.  

Lets look at law school, individuals are restrained, not communities.  In fact, every law is merely a restraint on one’s liberty.  The central player is the individual.  In order to defend the community, you must restrain me.  I cannot price gouge, because it is an inefficient use of resources.   I cannot speed, because it is dangerous for all the drivers out there.  The person is important, community is secondary.

Which comes back to Kristian and Maleficar, well, I really don’t care for Maleficar.  He is a D’bag.  Maleficar is one of those sanctimonious, pretentious gay bitches who likes to think of himself as the hottest and smartest person in the room.  Dear Reader, if there is something you care about, Maleficar will find fault in it.  If you have a girlfriend, Maleficar will assume she has a hybrid venereal disease.  If you have a Toyota, he will claim it will explode when its trunk opens.  If you like videogames, he will call you a loser.  If you like cats, he will assert that dogs are better and that felines are the agents of the Devil.  If you like dogs, he will claim they are stupid and that you are a mental lightweight for not choosing cats.  If you are allergic to cats, Maleficar will bitch-slap you and propound that you come from defective stock.  In totality, Maleficar is a very shitty person. 

Kristian on the other hand is quite different.  He is jovial and tranquil.  He is quite a pleasure to be around really.  Dear Reader, you may be surprised to know that I went hiking (for the first time) last year.  I went with Edward and Kristian and had a wonderful time.  Alas, I haven’t seen much of Kristian for several reasons, most of them are logistical, he lives in a suburb.  But there was some weird drama between Kristian, Maleficar, and Edward.  It is summarized below:

1. Maleficar and Edward met up on Match.com.
2. Maleficar and Edward went out a few times (whether or not these were defined as dates requires an attorney to define “Date”)
3. Edward told Maleficar the “Let’s be friends” and “I am not ready” line.
4. Maleficar flipped out and asserted that Edward did not want to date him because Edward (a doctor) did not respect Maleficar’s profession (psychiatrist).
5. Edward started to hang out with Kristian (which also included Maleficar).
6. Edward and Kristian was caught In flagrante delicto -  in a bar.
7. Maleficar and his band decided to brand Edward with a scarlet letter.
8. Kristian wanted to pursue a relationship.
9. Edward did not want the drama and extricated himself from the situation.

Now I stipulate, I did not know any of the parties when all this was going around.  (I live in a bubble where the largest amount of drama is a debate between purchasing FF XIII or a pair of new shoes.  This is not to say that I do not cause myself a tremendous amount of angst or inner turmoil.  But with time, I am usually mad at myself and not another party).   But I was privy to all this information because three different people recited the same facts over and over again.  Even though Maleficar and Edward each have a respective boyfriend, I suspect that the wounds are still raw.  Maleficar particularly picks at the scab of Edward with pernicious fingernails. 

So what does this have to do with me?  As I said before, Sophie had an easier choice.  I can choose to spend another night with the cats, or I can go to L.Woods and hang out with super awesome Kristian; alas, that would also mean hanging out with Maleficar.  It is quite obvious what my choice was, since there would be no blog if I made good decisions. 

Now to put things in context, L.Woods is a 15 minute drive from where I live.  It is technically in Chicago but nobody who lives in “city proper” would actually go there.  Now there is nothing really offputting about the décor of L.Woods, think of a less manicured Claim Jumper.  Dear Reader, if you have never been to Claim Jumper, think of a log cabin.  L. Woods is actually a pretty large restaurant segmented into three areas: a bar, a middle dining room, and an end room that acts as another dining room.  I presume the end room was an addition to the original structure because the look and color of the room is different compared to the middle room and the bar (the end room is much brighter).     

The clientele of L.Woods is actually quite interesting.  There are two main groups that seem to dine there, people of Jewish or Arab descent.  Forget the Oslo Accords, a three state solution could be drafted in Lincolnwood!

As I waded through what appeared to be a graveyard of bones, I finally found Maleficar and Kristian sitting in talking. 

“Gentleman, it has been a long time.”

Kristian smiles, “Dude it has been months.”

Maleficar waves. 

The waiter immediately approaches and asks me what I would like to order.  Kristian tells me that they already ordered the “Brontosaurus Ribs.”  I was puzzled by that comment, but I noticed that Kristian seemed to be concentrating on the waiter with a disproportionate amount of time.  After I ordered a Sierra Pale Ale, and the “Onion Strings,”  the inquisition immediately starts.

In a nasally voice Maleficar asks, “So how is Edward and his new boyfriend,” without missing a beat, “Has Edward gained weight?”

I was bit taken aback.  Was this the reason why they asked me to hangout -  to talk about Edward? 

“I don’t know, why don’t you call him.”

“Well ….”

“Look, I like Emmett [Edward’s boyfriend].  I am not going to talk about him.  I would also like to highlight, on the record, and on blog, that he has been a better friend to me than you have.”

Kristian jumped in “Oh yea, your blog entry about your dates was hilarious.” 

“Dude, that was so long ago, I have written 20 since then.”

“Oh, well you need to tag me on Facebook.  Maleficar, did you know about Eric’s blog.”

“You write a blog?  It would actually be a blog I would actually read.”

“Yea, I post the updates on Facebook all the time.” 

“Well, you need to tag me.”

The waiter brings the “Brontosaurus Ribs,” my “onion strings” and my beer all at the same time.  At this moment I am at a dark mood.  I understand that the ribs were entered before my onion strings, in fact I don’t mind if the rings comes to the table after the ribs, but since less than 5 minutes passed before me entering an order, the fact that an appetizer could be brought to my table meant that it was already prepared ahead of time.  This is a restaurant sin!  In order to satiate my unholy demands of all things gluttonous, do not bring me food sitting under a heat lamp; this is especially true for fried foods.   As if I was some culinary neophyte, Kristian was explaining to me that since beef ribs are so large (compared to pork I guess), he and Maleficar called them “brontosaurus.”  I picked at the onion rings.  They were cold. 

Bad ideas often have a certain powerful inertia that propels them, and I really wanted to project my disgust with my rings onto Maleficar.  “So how is your new bf.”  Not since the Battle of Moscow has there been such a miscalculation.  Maleficar discussed for 15 minutes about the metal and social defects of his boyfriend.  Kristian intimated that he and other third parties thought that there is an odd struggle in the relationship.     

Twisting the knife in order to unsettle my ennui, “So why are you with him?” 

“Well I like the concept of someone there.  Plus I miss him when he is not around.” 

“Interesting, besides all these general laments about your boyfriend what is his real problem.”

“Well, he is focused on status way too much.”

I almost choked on the batter of the cold onion rings sticking to my esophagus. 

“I am interested, please discuss more.”       

“Well, he works at the AMA, so he  knows the Surgeon General and we had this discussion about the Surgeon General …. I didn’t know who the Surgeon General was, so he kind of flipped out. ‘You are a doctor, how can you not know who the Surgeon General is.’”

Even with a peace treaty being hashed out on the table next to me, a Faustian scene was occurring in my head, Correct him, he is not a doctor.  Just a psychiatrist. 

Maleficar, continues “So I tell him that stuff like this doesn’t matter to me.  I am in medicine to help people…. I don’t care about status.”

In the middle of this lament, Kristian asks for more bbq sauce.  I noted, good idea, I need something hot for these onion rings from Cocytus.  As I was about to join in the request for additional sauce the waiter sprinted off.   Maleficar just continued “You know Eric, a lot of this was on my Facebook wall.”

I was about to commit felony homicide.  The same guy who told me that he does not read blogs unless he is tagged, told me to follow his Facebook feed.  Who the fuck does he think he is?  As I engaged in this dolorous excogitation, I saw quite possibly the most disgusting sight ever recorded.  Apparently, Maleficar did not like one of his ribs, so after taking a bite he threw the rib back onto the plate and took another one.  Thump.

“What the hell just happened?”

“Well I don’t like that one, so he (pointing to Kristian will eat it.” 

This disgusting journey continued.  I am going to leave off other highlights such as: surprisingly good cheesecake, Kristian’s additional ogling of the waiter, more complaints by Maleficar, an obscene tip left by my party because they thought the waiter was “good,” and Maleficar’s obvious lust of a teenage boy sitting two tables away.  I am just going to fast forward to the parking lot.

“So attorney, what do you drive?”

“A Camry.”

“Good luck staying alive.” 

“I keep forgetting I do not live the privilged life of a Saab owner. (Maleficar once waxed poetic about a BMW).”   

I could only hope that the accelerator sticks and I run him over.  “Does not care about status,” my ass. I hate couples.

  

   

Presbyterians can party.

Frank’s

2503 North Clark St.

Chicago, IL 60614-1711

773 - 549-2700

Cocktail
3359 N. Halsted St.
Chicago, IL 60657

When I think of Christians, I often conjure two different and stark images.  One is the overly pious type who really enjoy wearing Dockers and attempt to convert everyone at the checkout counter.  The other type of Christian is the granola-eating, homebody whose mantra is “Jesus was the OG hippie.”  There is no middle ground.  There are only two types of Christians.  I think this is why my recent adventures at Lakeview Presbyterian has been so shocking to many of my family and friends.  I don’t wear Dockers; I think pleats make me look like a communist.  And I am definitely not a hippie, my thesis in finance was about Philip Morris and the glories of its average cost of capital.  If Christians only fall into two schema, the Evangelist and the one who practices “Civil Disobedience,” why would I join Lakeview?  Well Dear Reader, you have never partied with Lakeview Presbyterians, I almost died doing so.

NOTE:  There are several types of Presbyterians.  The two main lines are Presbyterian Church USA (PCUSA) and Presbyterian Church America (PCA).   I am a member of the more progressive PCUSA and I am not referencing PCA, which probably thinks I should be held as property.

It was Saturday, and I received a text message from Tara inviting me to Julius Meinl for dinner.  I hung out with Tara once, we did brunch at Finley Mahoney’s.  I was sandwiched between her and Ashley, I felt welcomed; nay, even more, I was the cool kid hanging out with hot girls in church.  I was part of the A Group!  Within five minutes of Tara’s text, I received an email from Ashley inviting me to the same event.  Looking at the addressees I noticed that I was the only male invited.  OMG, in just three months of Bible Study I have cemented myself as the “Girls’ Best Accessory,” I was essentially the “Gay Clutch.” 

Ashley and Tara were at Julius Meinl before me.  Even though 9 people were invited, it was just the three of us that night.  We talked about clothes and boys; nothing religious.  I ordered an amazing grilled cheese sandwich, and sexually harassed the hot waiter.  Tara noticed that he was wearing a wedding band, “It is the first thing I look for,” she instructed.  "Technicalities" I thought.  We were done with dinner, and I thought I was done for the night.  I was behind on my book project, but then out of the blue Ashley inquired as to where we were going afterwards.

“Afterwards,” I asked?

“Yea. We have to go drinking.  WE ARE DRINKING.”

OMG, she looked demented.  “Ok” I acquiesced.  I thought she was going to decapitate me.  We started to walk south along Southport, but we really didn’t find anything promising.  Ashley suggested DOC Winebar.  Dear Reader, if this sounds familiar it is the winebar adjacent from Dunlay’s on Clark (see “If These Chips Could Talk.”) but I really had no fear though, I liked these two femme fatales.

When we got to DOC Winebar, a really hot guy approached us – so hot I fell in love.  Yes, Cupid stuck me at the corner of Clark and Wrightwood.  Eric’s Husband (bitch holding his arm be damned) told us that DOC Winebar was closed for a private event.  Tara and Ashley gasped in horror.  I gasped for other reasons.  He then walked south with the Whore of Babylon.  Ashley was suggesting places in the area.  Tara wanted to avoid any place where college students would be at.  I was suggesting we stalk Eric’s Husband and was looking in my pockets for chloroform.  I then suggested “Basil Leaf,”  which is an Italian restaurant that actually serves an excellent Riesling.    

As we were walking to Basil Leaf, I was looking under every alcove for the super hot guy.  Instead of finding him, we spied a rather divey looking bar called Frank’s.  Now the bar is not a dive in the sense that I would get crabs from looking at the sign, rather it is a dive compared to its surroundings.  Now the inhabitants of Lincoln Park often think to much of themselves.  The bitches do not live in Orange County or Beverly Hills, but they often think they do.  The DePaul students make themselves seem like that they are going to Harvard, when in fact they are going to … DePaul.  Needless to say, Lincoln Park is a community of inflated egos.  Hence, a dive is not really a dive in Lincoln Park, it is merely an ordinary bar.  Since Ashley really wanted to drink, Tara didn’t really seem to want to walk, and I prefer dives over nice bars anyway, Frank’s it was. 

As we walked in, we immediately sat down at one of the two booths facing the street.  Along the perimeter of Frank’s are high-tops for two, then there is the usual bar arrangement.  I studied the clientele, it wasn’t particularly pretentious, just a normal bar.  As I yammered continuously about the Eric’s Husband, Ashley pointed to “Sparkling Wine (bottle).”  Tara and I were intrigued by the $3 drinks.  The server came by and I was aghast, she was an ogress wearing a tube top.  How the hell did this "Shebeast" get a job in Lincoln Park?  Tara inquired to the $3 drinks and Shebeast immediately dismissed it as swill.  I actually respect it when a server tells me not to order something on a menu.  It shows honesty, a certain amount of care that is no longer found in service.  Ashley followed up with “What is the Sparkling Wine.”  Shebeast had no idea, and she said she would need to ask the manager because nobody has ever ordered it.  On principle alone, I really wanted it. 

 

Shebeast returned, “We have a bottle chilled.  It is Cooks.  But I have never seen anyone order it, and I have been here for two years.”

Tara looked in horror.  Ashley looked at me.  I consented, “Dear barkeep please bring us a bottle and three glasses.” 

In less then five minutes it came out in a bucket.  “Fancy huh,” as Shebeast served us, I was aghast, Cooks, oh my god, they serve this at prison functions.  We continued our talk about boys, and Tara said something profound, “Bad Sparkling wine is at least drinkable, bad wine is not.”  I was puzzled by that comment, until the sixth sip hit me, my god, this was as bad as I remembered.  I had two glasses and I was sick.  Like watching a Wayon Brothers' movie sick.  I had to eat something or throw up.  I was calling it a night until I heard Ashley’s objections.

“We need to go somewhere else.”

“What? I am tired.”

“It is only 10:30 continued.  You can pick the place.  It needs hot guys.”

“We saw a hot guy, there is a hole in my heart, I will never love again.”

“Well we need to go to a bar to find you a hot guy.”

She was very persuasive.  Tara just kept on drinking and asked for the check.

“Well, we could go to Cocktail, it has strippers.”

I thought I was an extra in some Star Trek episode, we were transported to Cocktail in less than ten minutes after my suggestion.  I don’t even remember paying.  As we walked in, Ashley asked the bouncer “Are there strippers?” 

The bouncer who was three times Ashley’s size actually took three steps back, I think he was afraid of the ravenous look in her eyes, “Yes ma’am.”           

“Good,” she made a beeline to the bar.

Tara went to scope out some real estate for us to stand, and I felt like throwing up.  BOOOM BOOOM BOOOOM.  The music blared, and with each soundwave my intestines were assaulted.  It dawned on me, I just can’t drink cheap alcohol.  As I stood hunched over to the side, Ashley came back with some humungous goblet of alcohol.  I  thought it was the coveted Sangre Real. 

“I opened a tab.  They required a minimum of $20 for a tab.”

“Is that supersize?”

As we were talking about this, Tara also came back with a rather large alcoholic drink.  I was trying to get my mind off my lack of equilibrium and focused on how she could carry 20 lbs of alcohol. 

BBOOOMMMMM BOOOM BOOOM.

And then I heard screaming, strippers. Lots and lots of strippers.  The first brought little attention, so Ashley decided to make friends.  Within 5 minutes she developed a coterie of homosexuals and were talking about jackets, underwear, and jobs.  Tara was focused on the stripper. I was frantically looking for a bathroom. 

Ashley was trying to introduce me to her gays, but I was not in the mood.  I am … in lovve…. BOOM BOOOOOM BOOOOOOOM, oh god I have to throw up ….. BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM ….  what if I never see my lov…. BOOOOOM.

Ok we need to leave.  What the fuck, Ashley was starting a second crate’s worth of alcohol. 

“Do you want something to drink hon?”

“Umm can I get some water?”

“Sure, hold this.”

I almost dropped her stein, it felt like it weighed ten pounds. 

I heard Tara meekly, “Oh my god.”

The crowd erupted in noise, the second stripper was up.  BOOOM BOOOOOM.  If Stephanie Meyer were to describe him, she would use the words “Godlike,” or “Apolloesque” or “Sculpted out of marble.”  Everyone but me went ecstatic, my love is hard to earn.   

Ashley returned with my bottle water.  I thought it was going to squirt out of her hands.  “Eric, I am coming here tomorrow.”

When the stripper was done, he made his way around the bar to talk with the customers.  As he was making his way to us, one of Ashley’s new gays took her arm and placed it on his chest.

He smiled the way only a straight guy could smile, “You want to touch my abs?”

BOOOOOM BBBBOOOOOM BOOOM.  Presbyterians can party.

 

I Am A Fraud.

TGI Friday's1500 West Lake Cook Road,Wheeling, IL 60090-2249(847) 459-1273‎

When you cultivate a certain reputation, it is hard to admit enjoying something that is violate of all your efforts.  If people view you as an intellectual, it is difficult to reveal one’s love of videogames.  If you are a conservative congressman, it is probably hard to come out of the closet and reveal you like shirtless Abercrombie models.   If you are a literary bookworm, how does one reveal one’s love of all things Twilight?  You fear – nay, you dread the reprobation of your peers.  You become a fraud if you enjoy laser tag, while you discuss Socrates and Mill; a drag queen wearing the cloak of large wordy books.  But what is worse, is looking in the mirror. You want to be an adult, you need to be a member of the ivory tower, you see yourself achieving something that only status can bring.  And dejection comes, as if examining your sides looking for that extra layer of fat, you are not as smart as you think, not as good looking as your Match.com profile indicates.  Dear Reader, I am not an academic, nor am I terribly good looking.  I do not suffer illusions of grandeur.  But I always thought - I really believed I was a foodie.  Then I looked in the mirror, then I realized I liked TGI Fridays!

It was a dreadful week at work and I was ambling towards either Gomorrah or the weekend.  Salvation would come at 4:30!  Only. EIGHT more hours to go.  SHIT!  It was only 8:30!  WHATTHEFUCKAMIGOINGTODO? It is still the morning.  I went to Jennifer’s desk, clutching onto a mug of caffeine as if it was the Holy Grail. 

“It is only 8:30.”

Jennifer lifted her head, “How many projects are going out today,:

“Hell if I know, Happy Hour?”

“Absolutely.”   She grunted as if speaking the language of Mordor.

8:35

9:00

9:05

10:00

11:00

Lunch

11:45

12:30

1:15

1:16 – What the fuck one minute.  Is the clock broken? 

4:00 comes around and I am as giddy as a little school girl sitting in line for an autograph from Zac Efron.  I call Jennifer – well, first I have to be transferred to her (I have no idea how to use these Cisco phones). 

“Where are we going.”

“Let’s go somewhere cheap.”

I think apprehensively, whenever we have tried cheap it normally turns into some cataclysmic event with me sulking at a table. 

“Well, I saw TGI Fridays running a three course special for $10.99.  What do you think?”    

Before Jennifer answered, I added that “I wouldn’t expect much though – I mean $10.99.” 

She said she would ask Candice.  Within 10 minutes I was at TGI Friday’s opening a door that Dante and Virgil would have been loath to open.  Jennifer and I got to the restaurant first.  I demanded that we sit at the bar (always thinking about you Dear Reader). 

The greeter an unbelievably faye male talked about the $10.99 specials; “Well there are liiiiiiike 275 different combinations you could create.”

288 I thought to myself.  He sashayed away. 

Our waitress came over to ask us for drinks.  Jennifer ordered a large Sam Adams, I asked for water.  Yes, I am a pussy.  But after awhile I noticed I was beginning to become really hungry, and when I enter starvation mode, any little social grace I may have disappears.  Deprive me of carbs when I become famished, and I become a craven bitch.  Seeing that I was beginning to bite my lips, Jennifer inquired if we should order first.  I flag the waitress before Jennifer could complete her suggestion. 

It took me 30 seconds to order.  “I would like the Fried Green Beans, “The Cheesy Chicken” and the cheesecake.  Jennifer ordered the pot stickers. 

I hear YAY” ejaculated at the table next to me.  WTF! Is it New Years?  I glare at the table.  Middle aged women doing some sort of martini that involved cotton candy.  I don’t know if I was in either suburb hell, or jealous that I was not menstruating.

The waitress brings the Fried Green Beans, and Jennifer’s pot stickers over.  She also brings a bevy of wet-naps, napkins, plates, and refills our drinks all in one trip.  I was impressed.  She should open a restaurant in my neighborhood. 

The Fried Green Beans - they look like the fingers of a leper.  But what was even more off putting was actually handling them, aside from the oil slick that they left on the plate, which could power an entire fleet of SUVs, the green beans were coated in this rough fried coating.  I was going to regret this - $10.99 wasted.  I could have used it to download Castlevania!  With a sense of foreboding I dropped one into my mouth and started chewing.   Bernini, sculpted the Ecstasy of St. Theresa, depicting the saint having an orgasm after being pierced with the love of God.  Dear Reader, I still can’t get a dry cleaner to get the DNA out of my pants.  The green beans were unequivocally one of the best things I had this year! No joke, get thee to a TGI Fridays and order the Fried Green Beans.  The coating was sweet and crispy, the beans had a crisp fresh taste to them.  Sure they were probably frozen (green beans and peas freeze quite well, unlike say broccoli), but I would have ordered a second helping if our group was larger.  Each bean provided me a scintillating pleasure that I have long forgotten.  To think frozen appetizers could be so good. 

As I was in the middle of ravenous frenzy, Candice came in and gave me a look as if she discovered a zombie feasting on the dead.  She stared. 

“Get your own woman. $10.99. 275 combinations.”

The waitress comes by and Candice orders one of the cotton candy martinis.  The waitress swings on by constantly with napkins – apparently I was a greasy mess.  Beans were probably in my hair and fingernails. 

The one hiccup in service involved Candice after receiving her drink, she wanted to order, but the waitress just dropped off the drink.  Unfortunately, it took Candice a good 7-10 minutes to order her meal.  Satiated and in a green bean coma, I wasn’t even appalled by the waitress' negligence.

“The Cheesy Chicken” was next.  Now I have been trying to reduce my consumption of meat, especially chicken.  I just have a problem of killing animals for a meal, and I especially think chickens are treated poorly, but I really wanted cheese so “Cheesy Chicken” it was.  The entrée was served on one of those cast iron dishes that was placed into a salamander before service, so it not only serves the purpose of becoming a rather dated spectacle (the sizzle and pop was amusing in the 80s), but it creates this burnt cheese on the sides.  The entire entrée was a salty gooey mess.  If you have a “loved one” who has hyper-tension, serve him this meal, I want half of your inheritance for the referral.  I should have avoided for health reasons (but I was already here), it was glorious.  I peeled the cheese as if there were chips in a Super Bowl party.  The chicken wasn’t bad either, screw morality and the new world order with the coming of our Lord, if violence to birds could create this dish, cull away!

The service with the cheesecake was kind of odd.  When it was presented, the waitress said “This has to be the saddest strawberry I have ever seen.”  This was quite a turn off, if you know I am being served some berry that is essentially the offspring of some hybrid VD, don’t give it to me.  But as with the other items above, I was actually quite surprised with the cheesecake.  Now, classical adherents to cheesecake would hate this bastardized concoction.  I couldn’t taste much cream cheese, but there was a lot of heavy cream.  It was rich, sweet, and smooth - I surprisingly liked it.  

I may have to turn in my foodie card, you can find me at TGI Fridays to claim it. 

 

.  

If These Chips Could Talk

Dunlay's On Clark

2600 North Clark Street

Chicago, IL 60614-1523

(773) 883-6000

If there is anything I have learned about my experience with this 30 Bar Odyssey, it is this – the company you keep, makes the journey.  Could you imagine: Carrie with Samantha, or Frasier without Niles, vampire love stories without goth emo kids, or Japanese cartoons without transsexuals?

Most of my blogs are pretty easy to write because I go with some pretty awesome people.  There is Vladimir who is the Doctor/Foodie/Movie buff – fascinating individual really.  Born in Russia, he could talk your ear off about the most insensible items; ask him about the “prescreen date.”  Vladimir’s boyfriend, Dustin is a firecracker, Midwestern, sensible, whenever he is at the table, he grounds our cosmopolitan, and maniacal tendencies.  And I cannot forget the duo in the suburbs, Candice and Jennifer.  Every time I am with them is like Sex and The City, without the city, and the sex.   Many of my blogs are with these people.  It is always a good time, a journey I always want to share.  But sometimes, there are those meetings where you go with a group of people where the dynamics don’t really click.  You wish for the check to come, and you become contemptuous of your party.  My time at Dunlay’s on Clark (DOC) was this.

“Scott” texted me on a Saturday night asking me if I would join him for a drink at DOC.  I met Scott on Match.com two years ago and romance did not really bloom.  I never really understood what really happened, things got hot and heavy one night and at the next moment I got the inexplicable “Let’s be friends discussion.”  Here is the problem with such a discussion, Dear Reader take notes, if you are giving the speech, the other side wants to know. If you think she has small breasts, she wants to know. If you think he is a bad kisser, he wants to know.  The “oh I am not feeling it” – is a pussy way of getting out of it.  Grow a pair and tell the other person why, you two probably shared bodily fluids anyway, so you owe him/her something more. 

My relationship with Scott has always been rather odd.  He would confide in me about his exploits while always trashing mine.  But here is the thing, he is kind of hypocritical, and sanctimonious.  It is never his fault.  He would always develop a relationship, and then something always happens.  Half of his relationships start and end by email, even though a meeting never occurs.  The other half, he ends the relationship, and he NEVER tells the other guy why.  I have often called bullshit whenever he tells me his exploits.  He often responds, “I am just Minnesota nice.”   The bile often rises whenever I hear this – it is not like the location of one’s conception is an affirmative defense for negligent acts.   A year ago, Scott ended a promising relationship with this fellow named “Darren.”  Scott told me that Darren had a lazy eye and he could not handle it.  Unfortunately, Scott did not tell this to Darren.  Scott just got increasingly removed and distant from Darren and finally “Let’s be friends.”  How do you support a friend's actions when the same thing happened to you?

As I said, Scott told me to meet him at DOC.  He was also invited a co-worker/friend of his “Diana” who is new to Chicago.  I was hoping it would be a good time.  It was dreadful. DOC is actually a pretty cool neighborhood restaurant.  It has seating capacity of around 100 people, of which the bar seats around 16 to 20 people.  There is an open kitchen to the north of the main entrance, and a little doorway connects DOC with its winebar known creatively as “DOC Winebar.”

Scott and Diana were already at a table and I introduced myself to the new girl.  Now I am not the first nominee for a Goodwill Ambassador, but I thought I should try to give my most pleasant first impression to Diana.  My god, this woman looked liked a 20 year old Amazon.  I was jealous, not only was this bitch taller than I am, but she was years younger than me.  In fact, to put everything in perspective, Scott is also four years younger than me, and as tall as a sequoia.  I was in a table in the woods.

Scott ordered a white, which Diana inexplicably copied.  DOC actually has a comprehensive wine list; it is after all, connected to winebar.  They were some weird sexless couple that copied each other.  I hate it when people do not have an identity beyond their clique.  If Hell is actually some state of being where there is no happiness, DOC was my infernal basement.  I ordered a Lagunitas IPA from Petulima. 

Scott and Diana started to talk about work.  They are both nurses at Northwestern, and all these senseless medical terms were strewn all over the place.  Now I hate being left out of a conversation primarily because depriving me from sharing my font of wisdom is a crime worthy of Nuremburg.  But worse, I hate it when people discuss shop when another of the party is not in the industry.  If I was having a dinner with all lawyers, discussing depositions is fair game, but if there are five lawyers and one chef – Roe v. Wade is not to be discussed.   So while the two were talking about needles, veins, and scat, I stated to take pictures of the Lagunitas.  The conversation stopped.  I should have took my iPhone out earlier.  They were just staring at me and Diana was giving me the most bitchy look.  I explained that I was writing a blog.  Scott admitted that he didn’t even know about my enterprise, and Diana just scoffed and carried on about saving lives.

Scott and Diana were finished with their wine in a hurry.  Apparently, being a nurse makes one thirsty.  They both ordered a second glass, since I was still drinking the beer in a counterintuitive languid manner, I ordered the “Blue Cheese Chips.” 

Scott tried to shift the discussion and asked me “So what is going on with you.”  I was about to have a stroke.  What should I have said, “I am writing a book,” or “I have a blog,” maybe I should have tried “I have had a plethora of terrible dates.”  I shared all of that, and all I got from Diana was the feeling that I was some harlot that was about to ride the Beast of Babylon.  While discussing dates, we were on the issue of the Twilight Series.  Her interpretation of high school girls and vampires was unusually off the mark. The chips came and I started eating right away.  They were delicious and covered in this rich béchamel.  Even though I am gay I didn’t know anything covered in white sauce would be this delicious.  I was eating away as they both discussed relationships.  Apparently, Diana unsurprisingly has never had a relationship.  I guess heterosexuals are more discerning than I give them credit for.  


Scott started to talk about Lazy-Eye Darren.  I was eating intently.  There were some chips layered with hot sauce, OMG, if I could have had a conversation with them instead.  Scott told us that he sent Darren an email trying to rekindle things.  I wanted to throw up, but to purge those delicious chips would be such a waste.  I actually slapped Scott.  Not just a faye-gay slap, I mean a Class II Battery slap, “WHAT THE FUCK! WHY, WOULD YOU DO THIS TO HIM!” Diana was appalled that I had this violent reaction, “Well who knows, he should give it a try.”  This cretin, this tween who could not understand the nuances of vampire relationship was trying to lecture me about relationships.  Now, I stipulate, I am: pretty picky, unusually Type A, very opinionated, and sometimes a whirlwind of a character.  I am not sure if anyone in Chicago, let alone this world could ever tame me, but I think I have more knowledge in this area then some transplant wearing some fucking promise ring plucked out of a Cracker Jack box!  I was brooding, where the hell was Vladimir and Dustin?  They were probably having a ball as the cutest gay couple in the world.  Jennifer and Candice?  They were probably throwing beer cans at drunk frat boys.  It all sounded so fun, and this cunt was trying to lecture me. 

To make things worse, the check came, and without looking at it, Diana laid down $20.  Her wine was $9 each; therefore, I subsidized this twat’s drinks.  I liked DOC, but next time I am going with real women, and guys who know what they want.    

Worst Date #3. Part Deux

Leona’s
3215 N Sheffield Ave
Chicago, IL 60657
(773) 327-8861

         

Brew & View At The Vic
3145 North Sheffield Avenue
Chicago, IL 60657-4434
(773) 929-6713

Dear Reader, I am a poseur. Not to the scale of one of those Lincoln Park bitches who take four hours ordering at Starbucks, but at the level where I must blush at my hypocrisy. I am not always as efficient as a machine. Sometimes things, like feelings get in the way. Sometimes when I get lonely and stupid, yes, very stupid, ridiculous actions on my part are made.

So 2010 rang in with a bang. I literally had six dates (7 if you count one where there was a ridiculous exchange of hatemail between me and another) in the first week of the New Year. Keeping my proverbial powder dry, I didn’t let anything physical happen in any rendezvous, plus I wasn’t really into any of the suitors. But I wasn’t concerned. Shit, if I could get six dates in one week, think of the next 51! Then something happened – a drought. My phone was silent. Every fifteen minutes I would tap my phone to see if I somehow turned deaf and had a miss call. Helen Keller’s AT&T bill was probably larger than mine. My love life was a bear market, and the Chicago gays were shorting my stock.

I was getting desperate. Every time I went to Argo, my ego was insulted. There were couples all over the place. People were on dates, they were in relationships, they had kids. Even the neighborhood dogs were dating. What did I have - a bunch of Harry Potter books and my two cats. I was going to bite the bullet. I was going to call my “Option”.

In financial terms, “options” are used to hedge against dramatic changes in the market; for example if you own stock in GE, you could purchase an option to lock in the price of GE in case the stock goes down. Well, options are also found in your rolodex. Dear Reader, there is probably one person that you dated, whom if you called, he/she would give you fallatio over the phone at the mere tenor of your voice.

But let’s face it. My “Option” is not my “Boyfriend” because he is inherently defective. Now I want to be clear, this is not a fuck-buddy. You don’t go out with your fuck-buddy. You fuck your fuck-buddy. With the Option - you go out - on a date - with dinner – because you are lonely. And maybe, just maybe, that defect can be overlooked. Maybe the defect is no longer there, maybe he changed, maybe I changed. Perhaps the Option can be exercised.

Option and I were walking from my apartment to Leona’s. For those who do not have to suffer through the winter of discontent that is Chicago, just realize this, it is cold here. I am talking apocalyptic cold here. And my date was complaining like a little bitch about the obvious. It was cold. Dear Reader, I have very little patience for taxis in Chicago. I often find the drivers to be inept, and they tend to forget English at the most inconvenient times. But Option was complaining so much, “I asked him, do you want to get a taxi?”

“No it is ok, how far away is Leona’s?”

“A little bit past the El.”

“Are you sure it is open, it is kind of late.”

“It is 9:00 on a Saturday.”

“It is a shame if it is closed, I mean it is so cold.”

I almost gay bashed him right there.

After almost ten minutes of listening to Option’s incessant whining we get to Leona’s. We are immediately seated in a booth and I noticed a placard advertising Miller Lite Bottles for $2. I instantly order two for myself. Option orders a Diet Coke.

“Diet really? I thought you drank gin and tonic.”

“Oh my god, you remembered, it has been like a year. Yea but I don’t really want to drink tonight.”

“Why.”

“Last time we went out drinking you broke my heart.”

It was true. Dear Reader, if you follow my blogs, you may remember “My 10 Dates of 2009.” Option is actually #3. Oh yes, I was desperate and lonely.

In the middle of repeating “I broke your …” two massive land animals come to our tables and clap Option on the back. They exchange gay pleasantries, which for some reason involve kissing. I don’t mean the French variant where there is an innocent peck on the cheek. No, this is lip locking, and to make things even more ridiculous, there are arms a’flailing. I don’t mean locked in ecstasy but rather, arms flailing in the air as they greet. I am so disgusted I begin to contemplate the logistics of heterosexual intercourse. Option moves over to the other side of the booth for the two water buffalo. I was staring in disbelief. Not so much that Option was so uncouth about the situation, rather I was concentrating on how the booth did not collapse. The Titanic had more structural integrity than that booth, but with some feat of magic, it was holding those three.

Option and the juggernauts were talking about their Lutheran church and the waitress drops off the drinks. I immediately start for the beer. The waitress asks if we are ready to order, but the Lutherans are carrying away about church politics, so I tell her to come back. As I nurse the Miller Lite, Juggernaut One gives me a disapproving look.

“Aren’t we starting early.”

“It is $2 a bottle, I was afraid the offer would expire.”

He looks at Option, “Boys, nowadays.”

I am pissed now. You can call me an asshole, a cretin, a pissant, but do not refer to me as a ‘boy.’ “Hey asshole, wasn’t Luther a drunk.”

Juggernaut 2 intercedes, “That is a misconception, he argued that people should talk about religion while drinking, so it makes for a freer conversation.”

“Ok, well fat-ass we are on a date, I don’t know you. In fact you two elephants didn’t even introduce yourselves to me as you intruded. [I take a long drink]. I think God, would disapprove of you interrupting a night of amore.”

Juggernaut 2 turns to Option and does the gayest lisp I have ever heard, “Wheeee will seeee you tomooorrrow at CHurCH Byyyye.”

I start on my second bottle. Now I don’t really drink that much, but for some reason I was going through a total shame spiral. It has been five weeks and my hand was hot, now I am reduced to Option. I need to drink.

The waitress comes back and I insist on the pizza with pesto. Option stated he hated pesto but he would “settle” with the 1950 Traditional, which was essentially a sausage pizza with some vegetables. I told him I really liked pesto. He told me he really liked “meat pizzas” and the 1950 was his way of compromise. Fine he wins, I don’t care.

The waitress looks at my two empty bottles, “Can I get you anything else to drink.”

“Yes, anything but Miller Lite. It is disgusting.”

“What about the Stone Mill Organic. It is umm… organic.”

“Thank you for caring about what I put in my body, organic beer it is dear lady.”

Leona’s is actually a relatively large pizzaria in the neighborhood. It is essentially two store fronts. Their motif is essentially, neighborhood pizza place, a’la Pizza Hut. But the one thing I have noticed about Leona’s is that the pizza has degraded in quality over the past 5 years. When I first arrived in Chicago, Leona’s was the only pizza I really craved. Then it became really good, which transitioned to pretty good, transforming to ok, and then becoming “what the fuck is this shingle I am placing in my mouth.” But it was my fault, I chose Leona’s because Option does not like Asian food, or Mexican, or Middle Eastern, or Italian. Option was essentially the culinary Bubble Boy.

Here is the thing, I thought Option might have been the real deal. I “broke his heart” because a year ago he told me that he would never eat Asian food because he did not like it (even though he never tried it). Ever the optimist, I thought surely – after a year, he must have had fried rice at a food court. Nope. Option’s time value fully decayed, and I wanted out of this date.

We were talking about mundane stuff until he brought up the subject I really did not want to talk about.

“I can’t believe you ditched me over food.”

“Jesus, Joseph and Mary, looking at the company you keep, I figure food would be really important to you.”

“Fuck you, Eric that was really rude of you. You could have been nicer to [Juggernaut 1 & 2].”

“They sat down without introducing themselves, an act which you could have done too. And – and they were judging me because I am drinking. I don’t even drink much.”

Without missing a beat, the waitress drops off the Stone Mill Organic. Instinctively I reach out for it and take a sip. My God, I could make better moonshine by having my cats take a piss in a bottle and setting it out for two weeks under the sun. I gagged and reached for water.

“Would you stop being so dramatic, it can’t be that bad.”

“Well Option since you are the epicurean here. Please try and elucidate me.”

He takes a sip, and he purses his lips. “Yea it is pretty bad.”

The pizza arrives and I tell the waitress the beer is undrinkable. She takes it away as if it was a common occurrence. The pizza was just as bad. Now, we ordered a traditional crust, rather than Chicago style (which is essentially a cornmeal casserole covered in cheese) and it was insipid. The cook actually forgot to use SALT! Seriously, there was no NACL on the pizza. Sure, sausage is inherently salty, but sans the pork, the pizza was absolutely tasteless.

Option looks at me “Please don’t send this back.”

“You know me so well. We can’t eat this.”

“I think it is ok.”

“You are paying.”
“Ok. What are we going to do after this.”

I stare at him. Oh my God, we are doing something afterwards? I was just hoping that we would go our separate ways after dinner. This was not planned.

“What do you want to do,” I asked meekly.

“We could go to your place.”

I almost had a stroke. “What if we catch a movie at the Brew & View?”

“What is that?”

“It is a movie theater, where we can drink.”

I SWEAR TO GOD THIS IS WHAT HE SAYS: “Sure anything you want as long as we are together.”

I vomit some tasteless pizza. A side note: the waitress still charged Option for the Stone Mill.

------------------------------------------------
We enter the lobby of Brew & View. The place looks like a movie theater back in the 70s. Note, there is only one theater, but it has balconies and alcoves; thus making the place pretty awesome. I find out that “Wayne’s World” is playing.

Option gives me a look of disdain “Uggg… I don’t want to watch a stupid movie.”

The guy at the ticket counter looks like he is about to punch Option. I was wondering if I could date the guy at the counter. “Wayne’s World is a classic. Stop being a d’bag.”

“Why don’t we just go back to your place.”

The guy at the ticket counter looks at me as if he was witnessing a pack of lions about to tear up a gazelle. He sighs, “Look, what if I sell you guys one ticket and both of you get in.” I immediately fall in love.

The theater is not arranged like a normal theater. There are a bunch of banquettes and tables strewn about. Option goes to the bar to pick up drinks. I look at my phone to see if a potential paramour called. No Miss Calls. Shit. Option offered me some beer in a plastic cup.

“Thanks. But what is this?”

“I don’t know, I just ordered two beers.”

I don’t particularly like Wayne’s World, but I feigned laughter and enjoyment - anything to divert attention from Option. But then he did the reach around, and I immediately excused myself. The bathrooms were in some basement, and it required an exorcist. There was green slime hanging off the handles of the urinals. WHY – is there slime on the HANDLE? The mirrors were cracked as if it was the result of some demon leaping into our world. And the pipes, they made this weird bellowing noise as if I was in Hell’s waiting room. I quickly scurried upstairs.

The movie ended and I told Option that I had to get back home because I had to watch Iron Chef. He gave me a puzzled look, and I literally sprinted out. All I could hear was the guy behind the counter laughing.