Thursday, April 1, 2010

My Thoughts on Being Sick

Dear Reader, I am sick. Not so sick where getting out of bed becomes an Odyssey, but sick enough to wipe out my calendar. Sick enough where all well thought out plans become null and void. Check cashed, funds withdrawn, sorry, you are not going to drop off dry cleaning, you are not going to workout, you will sit on the couch and get rid of this sickness. Like a bystander in the bleaches, you hope for the home team - white blood cells to wage war and defeat the cross team rivals. You can't do much.

I woke up several times in the early morning and I felt like shit. By 7:30, I knew I had to make a decision, do I call in sick, or do I just tough it out and go to work? The cogs were turning, and I thought to myself "I will make a decision while I take a piss."  It came out a dark yellow and smelled like the River Styx. I was going to vomit at that moment. I called in sick and went to bed.

Pets are interesting really. For hours my cats laid with me. Sometimes they would stick their noses in my face. The realistic part of me thinks they want me to get up, but the romantic side - well I like to think they want to know if I am ok. There is nobody else to really check up on me, just Frodo and Sam.

It is 2:30 and I am hungry. Which is ironic because I am also on a diet. I am beginning to rethink this diet. I mean I already have a 100 things on my proverbial plate, do I really need to diet. I get up from my stupor and look in my cabinet. I have a ton of Lipton Prepackaged Rice kits. Yesterday, when I was feeling well, God, it seemed like years ago, I ran a nutrition count on these things, apparently they have tons of sodium. Thinking I probably need more water in my system, I take a pass.  

I go through the shelves. I do this all the time really, the harder I look - maybe there is something I forgot that I purchased, maybe I will discover a little treasure trove of oil packed tuna or a tin of almonds. I come up with nothing, I have a can of tuna (packed in spring water) and a bunch of Lipton packets. I also have four avocados in my fridge, so I take two and decide to make myself some odd guacamole mixing it with the tuna.  Cutting avocados and removing the pit is not a difficult process. But try doing it when you are half awake, and mad at yourself for being sick. You can't do anything, you are just a spectator. Go team. I also remember some capers in the fridge, so I dump a spoonful of it into my mixture. Olive oil is good for you right? Tea spoon of it too. Mash away. It becomes this odd green bolus flecked with tuna.

I start eating. Like some unearthed vampire feasting on some intrepid archeologist, my hunger grew. As I simultaneously watched some History Channel special regarding the Battle of Jericho and spooned my concoction into my maw, my stream of consciousness woke up.

Avocados are good for you, I think that is what Alton Brown said. They also have a lot of fat. 

Tuna is good for you, protein and all that jazz. BTW, there is a lot of mercury.

This meal still cost you $3.00. If you ordered from the McDonald's Dollar Menu it would have been cheaper.

You can't stay sick. Healthcare is expensive.

Why am I sick. Rapists and murderers are not sick. Job was sick. Is this a test?

This is what it feels like to be sick. Strip away all the years of education, remove all the fancy books on your shelf, close the closet with all your suits - you are just a spectator. Sam and Frodo are watching, and you sleep.


  1. you might want to stick with the higher-sodium choices because the salt does two things. It helps to retain water (and you lose a lot of that when you're coughing/sneezing/excreting), in addition to refueling your depleted electrolytes for muscle/protein maintenance.

    And canned tuna, that's usually farmed from younger tunas which tend to be more lean compared to their larger and older oceanic brethren. It's the fatter species that retain the higher amounts of mercury.

  2. Cats have an intuitive sense about your wellness. When you're sick, they know it. They are concerned. After all, if you're gone, who will feed them?

  3. Aha! Now that you've commented on my blog, I can no longer quietly lurk around yours, and I suppose I'll have to come out of hiding. I'm so sorry you've been sick for the last two months, since the time of this post. Hope you're recovered by Labor Day.

  4. I need a new topic. Book reviews? Movie reviews? Supreme Court opinions?