Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Table for One Next Time

L. Woods
7110 N. Lincoln Ave.,
Lincolnwood IL, 60712
(847) 677-3350

Sophie had an easier choice.  Do I stay at home and spend another night spooning my cat, or do I hang out at L.Woods?  As I was preparing dinner “Kristian” sent me a text inviting me to L.Woods.  I was ecstatic, I haven’t seem Kristian in ages – but there was a catch, Maleficar was also going. 

Kristian and Maleficar have a strong platonic gay relationship.  If you find one partner, you find the other.  In the rare situation where you only see one, he will speak of the other as if they were both present in the same room.  It is quite annoying really.  A co-joined identity in which conversations often center on the other person. 

Now this is not really an attack on Kristian and Maleficar.  I hate eating with most couples.  My blood boils when personal identity becomes obliterated and replaced by the dreaded “we”.  I presume there are two things going on with me really: 1. I am a jealous bitch, and 2. Everything I have learned in school has been about the individual; the community is merely a footnote, an extra in my psyche and education.

Think about it, even in MACROeconomics, the curves are known as “Aggregates” i.e. Aggregate Demand.  All the little people out there and their combined demand for something like say Final Fantasy XIII drives the economy.  Sure, you can’t study MACRO without an analysis of the community and the interrelationships between individuals, but ultimately, the curves are driven by one – the personal.  

Lets look at law school, individuals are restrained, not communities.  In fact, every law is merely a restraint on one’s liberty.  The central player is the individual.  In order to defend the community, you must restrain me.  I cannot price gouge, because it is an inefficient use of resources.   I cannot speed, because it is dangerous for all the drivers out there.  The person is important, community is secondary.

Which comes back to Kristian and Maleficar, well, I really don’t care for Maleficar.  He is a D’bag.  Maleficar is one of those sanctimonious, pretentious gay bitches who likes to think of himself as the hottest and smartest person in the room.  Dear Reader, if there is something you care about, Maleficar will find fault in it.  If you have a girlfriend, Maleficar will assume she has a hybrid venereal disease.  If you have a Toyota, he will claim it will explode when its trunk opens.  If you like videogames, he will call you a loser.  If you like cats, he will assert that dogs are better and that felines are the agents of the Devil.  If you like dogs, he will claim they are stupid and that you are a mental lightweight for not choosing cats.  If you are allergic to cats, Maleficar will bitch-slap you and propound that you come from defective stock.  In totality, Maleficar is a very shitty person. 

Kristian on the other hand is quite different.  He is jovial and tranquil.  He is quite a pleasure to be around really.  Dear Reader, you may be surprised to know that I went hiking (for the first time) last year.  I went with Edward and Kristian and had a wonderful time.  Alas, I haven’t seen much of Kristian for several reasons, most of them are logistical, he lives in a suburb.  But there was some weird drama between Kristian, Maleficar, and Edward.  It is summarized below:

  1. Maleficar and Edward met up on Match.com.
  2. Maleficar and Edward went out a few times (whether or not these were defined as dates requires an attorney to define “Date”)
  3. Edward told Maleficar the “Let’s be friends” and “I am not ready” line.
  4. Maleficar flipped out and asserted that Edward did not want to date him because Edward (a doctor) did not respect Maleficar’s profession (psychiatrist).
  5. Edward started to hang out with Kristian (which also included Maleficar).
  6. Edward and Kristian was caught In flagrante delicto -  in a bar.
  7. Maleficar and his band decided to brand Edward with a scarlet letter.
  8. Kristian wanted to pursue a relationship.
  9. Edward did not want the drama and extricated himself from the situation.

Now I stipulate, I did not know any of the parties when all this was going around.  (I live in a bubble where the largest amount of drama is a debate between purchasing FF XIII or a pair of new shoes.  This is not to say that I do not cause myself a tremendous amount of angst or inner turmoil.  But with time, I am usually mad at myself and not another party).   But I was privy to all this information because three different people recited the same facts over and over again.  Even though Maleficar and Edward each have a respective boyfriend, I suspect that the wounds are still raw.  Maleficar particularly picks at the scab of Edward with pernicious fingernails. 

So what does this have to do with me?  As I said before, Sophie had an easier choice.  I can choose to spend another night with the cats, or I can go to L.Woods and hang out with super awesome Kristian; alas, that would also mean hanging out with Maleficar.  It is quite obvious what my choice was, since there would be no blog if I made good decisions. 

Now to put things in context, L.Woods is a 15 minute drive from where I live.  It is technically in Chicago but nobody who lives in “city proper” would actually go there.  Now there is nothing really offputting about the décor of L.Woods, think of a less manicured Claim Jumper.  Dear Reader, if you have never been to Claim Jumper, think of a log cabin.  L. Woods is actually a pretty large restaurant segmented into three areas: a bar, a middle dining room, and an end room that acts as another dining room.  I presume the end room was an addition to the original structure because the look and color of the room is different compared to the middle room and the bar (the end room is much brighter).     

The clientele of L.Woods is actually quite interesting.  There are two main groups that seem to dine there, people of Jewish or Arab descent.  Forget the Oslo Accords, a three state solution could be drafted in Lincolnwood!

As I waded through what appeared to be a graveyard of bones, I finally found Maleficar and Kristian sitting in talking. 

“Gentleman, it has been a long time.”

Kristian smiles, “Dude it has been months.”

Maleficar waves. 

The waiter immediately approaches and asks me what I would like to order.  Kristian tells me that they already ordered the “Brontosaurus Ribs.”  I was puzzled by that comment, but I noticed that Kristian seemed to be concentrating on the waiter with a disproportionate amount of time.  After I ordered a Sierra Pale Ale, and the “Onion Strings,”  the inquisition immediately starts.

In a nasally voice Maleficar asks, “So how is Edward and his new boyfriend,” without missing a beat, “Has Edward gained weight?”

I was bit taken aback.  Was this the reason why they asked me to hangout -  to talk about Edward? 

“I don’t know, why don’t you call him.”

“Well ….”

“Look, I like Emmett [Edward’s boyfriend].  I am not going to talk about him.  I would also like to highlight, on the record, and on blog, that he has been a better friend to me than you have.”

Kristian jumped in “Oh yea, your blog entry about your dates was hilarious.” 

“Dude, that was so long ago, I have written 20 since then.”

“Oh, well you need to tag me on Facebook.  Maleficar, did you know about Eric’s blog.”

“You write a blog?  It would actually be a blog I would actually read.”

“Yea, I post the updates on Facebook all the time.” 

“Well, you need to tag me.”

The waiter brings the “Brontosaurus Ribs,” my “onion strings” and my beer all at the same time.  At this moment I am at a dark mood.  I understand that the ribs were entered before my onion strings, in fact I don’t mind if the rings comes to the table after the ribs, but since less than 5 minutes passed before me entering an order, the fact that an appetizer could be brought to my table meant that it was already prepared ahead of time.  This is a restaurant sin!  In order to satiate my unholy demands of all things gluttonous, do not bring me food sitting under a heat lamp; this is especially true for fried foods.   As if I was some culinary neophyte, Kristian was explaining to me that since beef ribs are so large (compared to pork I guess), he and Maleficar called them “brontosaurus.”  I picked at the onion rings.  They were cold. 

Bad ideas often have a certain powerful inertia that propels them, and I really wanted to project my disgust with my rings onto Maleficar.  “So how is your new bf.”  Not since the Battle of Moscow has there been such a miscalculation.  Maleficar discussed for 15 minutes about the metal and social defects of his boyfriend.  Kristian intimated that he and other third parties thought that there is an odd struggle in the relationship.     

Twisting the knife in order to unsettle my ennui, “So why are you with him?” 

“Well I like the concept of someone there.  Plus I miss him when he is not around.” 

“Interesting, besides all these general laments about your boyfriend what is his real problem.”

“Well, he is focused on status way too much.”

I almost choked on the batter of the cold onion rings sticking to my esophagus. 

“I am interested, please discuss more.”       

“Well, he works at the AMA, so he  knows the Surgeon General and we had this discussion about the Surgeon General …. I didn’t know who the Surgeon General was, so he kind of flipped out. ‘You are a doctor, how can you not know who the Surgeon General is.’”

Even with a peace treaty being hashed out on the table next to me, a Faustian scene was occurring in my head, Correct him, he is not a doctor.  Just a psychiatrist

Maleficar, continues “So I tell him that stuff like this doesn’t matter to me.  I am in medicine to help people…. I don’t care about status.”

In the middle of this lament, Kristian asks for more bbq sauce.  I noted, good idea, I need something hot for these onion rings from Cocytus.  As I was about to join in the request for additional sauce the waiter sprinted off.   Maleficar just continued “You know Eric, a lot of this was on my Facebook wall.”

I was about to commit felony homicide.  The same guy who told me that he does not read blogs unless he is tagged, told me to follow his Facebook feed.  Who the fuck does he think he is?  As I engaged in this dolorous excogitation, I saw quite possibly the most disgusting sight ever recorded.  Apparently, Maleficar did not like one of his ribs, so after taking a bite he threw the rib back onto the plate and took another one.  Thump.

“What the hell just happened?”

“Well I don’t like that one, so he (pointing to Kristian will eat it.” 

This disgusting journey continued.  I am going to leave off other highlights such as: surprisingly good cheesecake, Kristian’s additional ogling of the waiter, more complaints by Maleficar, an obscene tip left by my party because they thought the waiter was “good,” and Maleficar’s obvious lust of a teenage boy sitting two tables away.  I am just going to fast forward to the parking lot.

“So attorney, what do you drive?”

“A Camry.”

“Good luck staying alive.” 

“I keep forgetting I do not live the privilged life of a Saab owner. (Maleficar once waxed poetic about a BMW).”   

I could only hope that the accelerator sticks and I run him over.  “Does not care about status,” my ass. I hate couples.


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